Sam Venable  

Special Contributor

‘Twas three months ’fore Christmas and all through the town, the merchants were shouting and running around.

“Get moving, you lunkheads!” they yelled to their men. “We’re about to let Christmas slip by us again!

“At last, Hal’ween candy is finally gone! It’s been on our shelves for the whole summer long. Let’s break out the trees and the tinsel and holly, and all us wise businessmen sure will be jolly. Throw out all those pumpkins and black cats and witches, then order a new batch of Yuletide sales pitches!

“We want to hear cash boxes sing long and sweet, so unwrap the reindeer and bolt on their feet! Dust Santa’s red nose and then clean out the sleigh. It’s time for big dollars the ’Merican way. Don’t fret that the calendar says it’s still fall. It’s time to make money, and that says it all!”

Thus, even before golden leaves fell away, ’fore Election and Veterans and Thanksgiving Day, ’fore frost nipped the land and the night air grew cold, ’fore tales of the Pilgrims and Indians were told, the town by the river, so quaint and serene, leaped from summertime straight to the old manger scene.

But one of the merchants, quite new in the trade—a young chap whose fortune had not yet been made—pondered aloud about rushing the season: “Would someone please tell me just what is the reason?

“I’m still wearing short sleeves! My front yard is green! This madness beats anything I’ve ever seen!

“We had back-to-school bargains the first day of June. In July we started the Labor Day tune. There were goblins in August, and if I remember, the Thanksgiving specials began in September. Bikinis in winter and snowsuits in summer; I tell you, these high-pressure sales are a bummer!”

The other ones snickered and laughed to themselves. And kept piling Christmas wares high on their shelves.

“He’ll learn like the rest of us,” one of them said. “If you want to make money and get way ahead, you’ve got to have anti-freeze bargains in May, and the week after New Year’s start Valentine’s Day.”

So let’s all bow down to the almighty dollar. Let’s worship and praise it and sing, wail and holler. No holds will be barred in our race for the greed. Let’s crank up those seasons to jet airplane speed!

And since it is destined that Christmas is nigh—

Let me wish you and yours a great Fourth of July!

Sam Venable is an author, stand-up comedian, and humor columnist for the Knoxville (TN) News Sentinel. He may be reached at mahv@outlook.com.